Birthday Post #05: In Case You Forgot That It Was My Birthday Last Week

I meant to write this on Tuesday, May 13, but I was so tired when I got home that I passed out on my bed. But my birthday is like a wedding: you have a year to recognize my day. And you never need an excuse to give me a present! (Also see last year's list, of which I have yet to receive. A-hem.) Contact me here for details on where presents can be sent.

THINGS I DO NOT WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY

An American Girl Doll

Is there a more creepy toy than this? Basically, these are "people dolls." Not only does every doll have a past, but you can even get have a custom doll made to look and dress like you. They up the creep factor in the stores where you see the dolls in elaborate displays where dolls are pulled by sleighs, atop horses, in carriages, jazzercizing in purple leotards, snowboarding down white cotton mountains, always STARING at you with those creepy eyes. They further make the store an experience by having a doll hospital, doll clothes that are as expensive as people clothes and a doll beauty salon where you can actually pay someone $15 to brush and style the hair of something that is not, and will never be alive.

One major category of their dolls is their historical dolls. These dolls come from a time in history--from a good time gal in the swingin' '60's, all the way back to a Native American chick in the 17th century. Each one has a full biography and books written detailing their "story".

One of the crazier backgrounds is that of Addy, who is African American in the year 1862 and yes, a slave. And they don't shy away from the details in her rough life. Here is a piece of her story:

"Addy Walker’s story begins as she and her mother are escaping slavery to find Addy’s father and brother, who’ve been sold away. But their escape means leaving Addy’s baby sister behind—her cries could cost them their lives."

Whoa, this doll (yes, remember, this is a doll) has ice in her veins! Listen kids, let Addy's story be a lesson to you: if you're gonna keep up with that crying you might be left behind in bondage.

This Book

Read the title. 'Nuff said.





A New Blackberry (Or iPhone Or Any Other Handheld Device That Is Supposed To Make Me More Reachable)

I'm rough on my personal electronics. I've lost my cell phone too many times for me to remember, dropped my blackberry in a puddle and then stepped on it as I was trying to pick it up, broke the antenna off my phone and then couldn't find it because it rolled down the floor of a dark movie theater, left my ipod on a pile of clothes in the Gap. But somehow I've been able to keep my current Blackberry Pearl, not only in pristine condition, but also safely by my side. Boy, do I hate that thing though.
A Trip To Vegas

I know this is a crazy thing to say. Who would pass up a trip to Vegas? But I've never been gambling, and I'm scared what I might be like if I really got going in a casino.







THINGS I WOULD LIKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY

Playmobil Airport Security Toys

I guess the tagline for this play set is: “Targeting terrorists is fun.”

This thing is so crazy and borderline sadistic. Why does the set come with an extra gun? So you can plant the gun in the suitcase, run it through the x-ray machine, then have the British police officer with the mop hair-do beat the suspect into submission with his tennis racquet? Wish I had this when I was a kid.

American Idol Tickets

When I was in LA recently, my dream was to be in the studio audience for American Idol. I emailed the ticket people, and was informed that only "standing room" was available. I emailed right back and asked, "What does standing room mean?" They replied, "Standing room can include areas in the back or in the front." Front? Oh, the mosh pit?!? Hell, I'll go in the mosh pit!

But actually last week, I got an email saying that I could have two seats to the FINALE. I just about DIED with excitement. The sucky thing was that I got the notification last Thursday, which was not nearly enough time for me to arrange to take off work and make travel arrangements. But, oh my god, if I had been there, I would have been screaming my head off.

A Trip To Dublin

Lately, I've been rethinking my affection for the British, because I think it has turned Irish. Maybe it started with this little poll. Then I saw Colin Farrell in In Bruges and swooned over him (again). And finally, I still think about this guy who I went on a few dates with last year, who just happened to be, oh yeah, Irish. Yeah, I have a thing for the Irish now.

I better learn how to make lots of potato dishes.

A Prosthetic Hand

I just think I could have a lot of fun with this. Among the jokes that would never stop being funny:

Helping friend move.

Friend: “Can someone give me a hand with this?”

Me: (Offer them prosthetic hand.)

At a concert.

Announcer: “Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.”

Me: (Throw prosthetic hand on stage.)

When friend comes to me for advice.

Friend: “I just don’t know. I mean, I love my job now. But this could be such a great opportunity.”

Me: “Well you know what they say . . .” (Produce prosthetic hand with a bird in it.)

Ba-dum-bum. Psh.