Thursday, April 26, 2007

I'm Like A Little Schoolgirl With A Crush

I've been talking with this guy for a little bit, which is kind of exciting for me since I haven't had anyone new of interest ever since the cheese store guy, who I assume has gone off to live in a house made of cheese. Anyway, my new guy's got impressive credentials--good job, cute, and he's British! I've never dated anyone with an accent. Of course, to him, I'm the one with the accent.

So far we're just friends, and to that end, I think about him more than I probably should. But I'm trying to maintain level-set expectations in my head and not get too ahead of myself. And to his credit he seems to feel something a little extra for me too. But sometimes I'm not sure of that either.

So I need to figure out how to seduce him further. Here are some avenues of approaching this that I've been tossing around in my head to move us closer:

) Make him feel included in my life in a special way.

e.g., Invite him to a special event. Like ask him, "Hey, do you wanna go rob a bank with me?" Because there's nothing more intimate than committing a crime together. That's a true special bond.

2) Give him a nickname. Something cute or smart-ass, because the Brits do have an odd sense of humor.

My suggestions:

  • "Hey, dogface"
  • "Hey, smacks"
  • "Hey, big shot"
  • "Hey, smoothie"
  • "Hey, fake accent guy"
  • "Hey, hot stuff"
  • "Hey, bumbly"
  • "Hey, whistles while you work"
And the possibilities are endless.

3) Be direct and pour all my emotions out. Deal the cards.

e.g., I could send him an email and open with, "I need to tell you about all the little habits you have that annoy me so much." Now if you got that from me, wouldn't you feel close to me? Because of all the people who could be annoying me, it's you! And annoying me so much that I had to lay out all the reasons out there because I felt it was important you understood why.

4) Be witty.

Now I do think I have some natural skill with this since I got the blog and all with a somewhat loyal (but finicky fan base). So I must be doing something right. I was thinking I could do some pun or wordplay, like maybe "Hey, wanna intercourse through some books?" I could play to his overall British scholarly tendencies, and show him that I'm an American who actually reads. But also it would serve the purpose of suggesting perhaps a more fun activity.

5) Say something completely random.

e.g., "Amedeo Modigliani"

Now I just pulled those two words out of my ass in the spirit of Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, who said that a strong and memorable name is the key to a successful start-up. The above two words form the name of an Italian artist, whose name I think just floooooows so nicely. I could say those two words all day. If I sent that to my British friend, of course, he would have no idea what I was talking about, but I bet he'd remember me better (maybe not in a complimentary way though.)

6) Show some concern in his life.

e.g., "You know it would really suck if your plane crashed over the Atlantic on your trip back to London."

This shows three things: a) I'm concerned about his health and welfare; b) I'd be really sad if anything happened to him; and c) I'm thinking about the future, so I'm ready to make a commitment.

7) Tell him that he looks like a celebrity.

Being British and all, I could tell him that he looks like David Beckham or Daniel Craig. But that's probably aiming a little too high, and he would never believe it. So I gotta aim lower, like maybe say, "Hey, you really remind me of that dude from Chariots of Fire." Then he'd be like, "Oh yeah? I remember him. What's his name? I bet he's a knight now. Anyway, I'm so flattered."

And that's some lame advice from me. If anyone actually takes these seriously, let me know how they work out.


Ming_the_Merciless said...

Yes to #1. Definitely include him in your life even if it's a mundane activity like shopping for groceries. You can always say you are trying out some recipes and would like his opinion on them. Also find out what are his hobbies and find if there is anything you both enjoy. It helps when there are genuine interests between you two.

Maybe yes to #4. Be witty but be careful not to try too hard. I have had dates who make an ass of themselves.

No to #2, #3, #5-7.

Good luck!

TCho said...

Lol. They're all a joke. I'm too shy to do any seducing.

Aaron Weber said...

I've always thought "kittentits" would be a good pet name. OK, a funny pet name.

My ex used to call me "puffin" sometimes. To this day I can't eat puffins (the cereal, not the birds. I mean, I don't eat the birds either.)

tim said...

My favorite line is "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" See if that works. :)

GrooveTheory said...

You already know my take on this, right? JUST DO IT!

David said...

They all sound like perfectly good ideas to me. How do you think I got a boyfriend, after all? It wasn't anything lame like charm, looks, or chemistry.

And as soon as we get off parole, we are having a commitment ceremony.

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

You should be giving advice on a daily basis!

teahouse said...

Ah, me. Young love. It's a grand thing.

I say go for it. And ask to see his Union Jack boxers.

Jase said...

Ha! Lame is the last word I would use to describe your wooing tactics.


But you're right about the British and humor bit.

Make a 'date' to go see Hot Fuzz! The newest awesomest movie from the creators that brought you Shaun of the Dead!

Then take him back to your house so he can try some of your spotted dick.

You'd probably have to make it first.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Hehehe. Funny post!

Michael said...

For nicknames I suggest "guv'nah" a la Eliza Doolittle. Throw "blimey" around a lot, too. I hear Brits love that. But seriously, you love to cook, you should cook for him! Or if the whole apartment thing and you slaving in the kitchen doesn't appeal to you, prepare an exquisite picnic lunch for a date in the park. You could include tea, scones and cucumber sandwiches. Pip, pip, how jolly!