American Idol/Top 12: What A Bore

Last week, we said goodbye to Jared Cotter, Sundance, Antonella Barba and Sabrina Sloan. I don't have much more to say about Antonella, other than what I've already said. Poodle-hair Sabrina has never made an impression on me. Jared, who kinda looks like Alfonso Ribeiro and a used car salesman, looked PISSED OFF. I actually thought he was going to refuse to sing a final performance. And I was so glad to see sweaty and groany Sundance go. Last week, he sang "Jeremy" in this whiny voice, and even the return of his white boy blues the previous week when he sang "Mustang Sally" really wasn't THAT great. I don't know what type of revisionist history the judges were concocting when they said Sundance was one of "our finest singers." Simon said that maybe America "turned the volume down." Uh, yeah we did.

Carrie Underwood also came back to sing last week, looking like she was dragged on to the stage kicking and screaming, and utterly bored because she's too famous for the show now.

This week we finally moved to the big stage. I was pretty stoked this week because I thought we could possibly see some really great performances, and while I'm not head over heels in love with Diana Ross, I was pretty excited to see a true diva and legend. And I was really hoping that someone would sing "Upside Down" or "I'm Coming Out", which are my two personal favorite Miss Diana songs.

Well, no one sang either of these, and I really don't know why because some of them really could have used a jolt of upbeatness. For example, the judges absolutely raved about Jordin, but I'm sorry. While she did okay, I just couldn't vote last night for a girl who would sing a song from a retarded movie about baby dinosaurs. Melinda was okay too. She did seem kind of tentative at first and she sang a really boring song from a movie that I have never seen nor ever plan on seeing. At least she's improving in the wardrobe department and elongating that linebacker body of hers with some heels and a smart cocktail dress.

Each week, I always want to really like Stephanie. She can sing great, but she just lacks a certain something or just sounds, like the judges keep saying, too much like Beyonce. Gina sang one of the stupidest songs ever recorded ("Love Child"), but at least produced the funniest Diana moment when Miss Ross told Gina like 7 times to "pronunciate." Um, is that a word? Isn't it "enunciate"? Haley gets my vote for the most improved. Maybe I wasn't paying attention that well, but I honestly didn't notice that Haley forgot the words to her song. She did have a severe case of the nerves, but I was with Simon on this one and thought that Haley had a few bright moments in an otherwise below average, but not totally flailing, performance.

Which leaves us now to Lakisha. I have not been a Lakisha fan throughout all these episodes. I don't think America needs another gospel singer. But last night, I was thoroughly impressed with the control on her voice while she sang some song from Diana's movie glory days in Lady Sings The Blues. And while I'm not totally on her team, I ended up voting for "Kiki." I think mostly because she didn't do that annoying solemn nod of her head after each judge's comments that she usually does.

The guys just ranged from total snooze-ville to really strange. Chris S., sans glasses, and Blake did weird mixes of their songs, bringing a kind of weird Knight Rider quality to their songs. Sanjaya was terrible as usual, but not the worst. I'm just glad that Sanjaya has finally stopped talking about his sister, who he seems to have a borderline obsession with. Miss Ross told Sanjaya that he needed to "explode," and I'd like to think she was being literal. Chris R. was the only person to venture out onto the walkway, but his teeny voice really sounded bad. And I'm starting to notice how weird his herky-jerky, "to the left, to the left; to the right, to the right" dancing is. Phil was okay, but as usual, all I can pay attention to is his big ears rather than anything he sings. But I seriously couldn't believe how bad Brandon was. He was a disaster. Barely five seconds into the song, he was totally off-pace with the music. Then a few seconds later, you hear nothing come out of his mouth. OMG. He didn't just forget a word; he forget entire LINES. He did some weird injured bowler dancing to distract us, but boy what a mess.

My votes:

Best Performance: Lakisha. Technically, this is a Billie Holiday song, not Diana Ross. But, whatever. Also, didn't Diana tell you to use a mic stand? Um, when Diana Ross tells you to do something, you do it. She'll cut you down.

Worst Performance: Brandon Rogers. Back to the background for you, if you can still get a job after the huge Idol disappointment you turned out to be.

Most Improved: Haley Scarnato. I have to say that I was kind of distracted by the bottom of her dress, or were those shorts? I honestly couldn't tell because it seemed like some weird kind of lederhosen action going on down there.