Thursday, October 26, 2006

Project Runway Retrospective: The Models

*Sorry about the weird formatting below. For some reason, I can't get rid of the staggering.*

I’m suffering from Project Runway withdrawal. It’s over. *Sniff.* I can still hum the candyland-techno background music to Uli’s beach-y Miami runway show, which I loved, and am still wondering what the hell happened with Michael and why he didn’t realize that his collection was hoochie in a major way. Ah, what am I gonna do without my Project Runway?

This season was the best ever, with more drama, more plot twists and more crazy characters than ever before. This season also had models who actually talked, and while the model competition, if you can call it that, has always been much less dramatic than the show producers make it out to be, the models really turned out to be characters themselves. Since you can’t find much information on the models, I decided that I would sit down today and sum it all up so we can all share in this under-served part of the whole theater of the absurd that is Project Runway.

Best Walk

Like many people have said, I hope Jeffrey gave that Saturn roadster to Marilinda. This girl went from nowhere to working every garment she wore like she was the Calypso Queen at Carnivale. She really saved his ass. Check her out in that picnic tablecloth couture dress gown. She was fierce and a half.

Worst Posture

Clarissa was like the comeback model of the season. She was first in danger when stoner Bradley almost didn’t send anything out for the dog challenge. But Clarissa lit the fire under Bradley’s ass and Bradley ended up creating something that made Nina hail the fashion gods ("we would shoot that in Elle", which doesn't mean much because everybody reads Vogue). Then she survived Angela's weird Count Dracula cocktail dress. And finally, Michael ended up picking her after Uli got the Zuli in her and stole Nazri from him. But it’s too bad Clarissa has the worst posture of any of the models I’ve seen on the show. She looks like her mom made her wear any outfit she’s wearing.

Most Deserving of a Spin-off

The gaping hole of shock formed by Amanda’s mouth when Michael picked Clarissa over her was priceless. But in the end, it turned out good because I think Amanda would have been totally embarrassed to wear one of Michael’s Russian call girl dresses, and ended up rocking it in a nice breezy outfit by Uli. Still, I was pretty disappointed when she got auf’ed because that meant that I would never hear the end of the story that she started in the work room during the Marilyn Monroe challenge. I mean, did her boyfriend get her the ipod or not? I am still DYING to know the end of the iPod story that she was telling Kayne while she was talking in that way where she keeps on talking tilsherunsoutofbreath and then takes a huge gulp of air and continues. Project Runway sure gave us a cliffhanger.

Best Rack

Now this girl wasn’t one of the regular models during the season, just actually in Uli’s show. All I have to say is how high are those things?

Favorite Guardian Angel

In the black and white challenge, Laura was down in the dumps because of a “scathing” review from the last couture challenge, which in all honesty, I thought Laura was really over-reacting about. I never really thought she was in any danger of being auf’ed. Vincent clearly was gonna go. Anyway, here was Laura, down in the dumps, sobbing, depressed, pregnant, hormonal, trying to make the best damn black and white cocktail dress that anyone has ever made. It was like a movie. Laura was at rock bottom and then rises to the occasion and wins the whole thing, but she got some help along the way from her fairy godmodel, Camilla (who is from Uganda, by the way, which I think is really cool). Camilla, who was subtitled, which I guess Bravo did for those of us who don’t speak “model”, gave Laura some advice and then Laura wins the whole challenge!

Props also to Camilla for helping Angela sew some of those cabbage size rosettes to the hooker day care center outfit for the dog challenge. Wow, this model can sew too? She’s got skills.

Best Gratuitous Display of Skin

When homegirl ripped off her skirt to show us this bikini during Uli's show, that was seriously hot. I think every guy or girl, gay or straight, stood up and noticed her.

Worst Walk

What was up with this model? She must have known she was wearing the worst dress in Jeffrey’s collection and decided she didn’t need to bother working it. But seriously, thunder-thighs here was walking down the runway like a duck on crack.

Most Likely To Kick Your Ass

Overall, I thought all the models this season were pretty good, and it’s really too bad that Project Runway did some arbitrary bullshit like picking the next two auf’ed models by drawing their names out of a bag?!? But there was one model who just looked kind of drag queenish to me. Check out those Angela Bassett-worthy muscles on Javi. This girl looked like she could kick my ass. When I see her, I think of Aunty Entity from Mad Max.

Second place I’d have to give to Uli when she marched down the runway in the dress she made for herself during the Jet-setter challenge. All of a sudden, images of high kicking German soldiers dressed in amazing technicolor dreamcoats and marching up St. Tropez went through my head.

Best Auf'ing

When Lindsay got jettisoned for Nazri by Uli, Lindsay gave her own fantastic Auf Wiedersehn to Uli. You can FEEL the death glare as Lindsay gives Uli a kiss goodbye, which is about as friendly as a kiss goodbye in The Godfather. Poor Lindsay. She was the master of the “sleepy-eye” look whenever she walked. I missed her.

Most Typecast

I have no idea where Nazri is from, but I kept wondering if Nazri was sick of her hair being massively fro’d out for every episode like Foxy Brown. Not that it looked bad. I’m just saying, mix it up a little.

Best Amateur

It’s clear that good genes run through Robert’s family.

Worst Amateur

Even though Uli did a great job with Kayne’s mom, doesn’t anyone else think that Kayne’s mom looks like Sam Kinison? You need to smile!

Most Shafted

Poor Alexandra. I hope being called zaftig and the deadly “plus-size” on national television didn’t drive her to an eating disorder. Everyone will agree that her low point arrived when she came walking down the runway with her Minnie Mouse bow in the hair. And as much as I liked Alison and completely disagreed with her auf’ing, I thought Alison placed a little too much blame on Alexandra in her exit interview for losing that challenge. Hey, Fattie Minnie Mouse picked you to work with during the icon challenge. You should be flattered.


Aaron Weber said...

You're going to have to watch Top Model, I guess?

TCho said...

Oh. Tyra Banks annoys me too much.

Aaron Weber said...

Yeah, I don't like it either. FourFour has funny commentary on it and Project Runway though... so I read that sometimes.

I keep threatening to cut off cable altogether but I like Adult Swim (Venture Brothers, in particular) and some of the cooking shows, and the Simpsons and Family Guy.

GrooveTheory said...

Uli should've won and not drama king Jeffrey. That's all I'm going to say!

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

I feel like I have watched the whole season without watching it.

TCho said...

Yeah I agree that Uli should have won, but I guess in a way it's good because Uli doesn't have to design for Macy's Inc. Lol.

TCho said...

Project Runway is practically cerebral compared to America's Top Model